After praying God and reading Psalms 44, Holy Spirit revealed to me and to those in a situation like us; that “diligently seek the Lord and read His word and it shall be well. This is only a valley of weeping you are passing through but not a valley to settle in. Have faith in your heart because God is moved by our faith. Remember that God has not brought you this far just to leave you.  He shall be with you.  Losing a loved one is only a set back to your destiny.  Reach for your destiny in Jesus name and he will be able to help you see beyond your shame. He shall restore the joy and peace that was stolen from you.”

Psalms 44: 13 – you have made us a reproach to our neighbours, the scorn and derision of those around us,

Before departure of our son we were one big family in the place we had rented.  It did not look like a rented place but like a small village of people who belonged to the same father.  We used to share everything and anything.  The neighbor’s children used to come for advice from us because our son was a role model.  My immediate neighbor used to ask me to speak to her children whenever they had issues.  I was so glad that we were a role model family to them.  Suddenly after our son left us I felt that Lord has made us a reproach to our neighbours and those around us.  I used to tell them good news about God and how God is good but how could I again? They could just laugh at me just say “so then if your God is so good why has He made you mourning mum at your early age?

Psalms 44: 14 – you have made us a byword among the nations; the peoples shake their heads at us.

When I went to do my exams at College after the departure of our son, I met with a certain person who new us well;   he looked at me, shook his head and avoided greeting me or even speaking to me. I suddenly became an alien because I lost my son.   I was so bitter that I depended on this God so much that I never dared do anything wrong and when I did I immediately confessed so that a times like this he could save me.  But where was my Lord now?

Psalms 44:15 – my disgrace is before me all day long, and my face is covered with shame

It has been a journey of disgrace! Not even a day could pass without me feeling so much ashamed of what God had done to us.  I could feel so bad when our little daughter could call other children walking by.  She could not understand why these young boys who looked like her brother are not cheerful like her brother.  I could see her pain when they could not sing and dance to her like her brother did, when they could not give her the warm little hugs her brother gave.  My face is covered with shame every day! So ashamed because I trusted my God so much that I could not ever imagine him doing such a thing like taking my son away.

My husband is one special person who really fears the God with his entire mind, heart and all he has.  My dad got sick and having been separated with my mum for a long time he had no one to look after him.  When he fell sick my husband and I went for him and lived with us in our rented home. My husband used to take him to clinic for checks up all alone.  The physician who was attending to him was only available from 7.00 p.m.  There used to be a long queue so my husband could go and queue for long hours till mid night and then come for my dad when his turn was due. Other times the doctor could tell my husband to go alone and get prescriptions because my dad was becoming weak and weak every day.  I was amazed how my husband did all this passionately with his all heart without complaining.  The day my dad was admitted in the hospital it was raining heavily and my husband got stuck on the muddy road and arrived home at 3.00 a.m.  All this time I could tell my husband “God must bless you and our children” when words of thank you could not be enough.  I always thought of ways of how I could repay him but he used to tell me “I am doing this because God loves me so much and I have to share his love.”  When my dad passed on 27th April 2015 deep down in my heart I certainly knew God was happy because our dad was so happy with our sacrifice of time and money and I was sure God will bless us in a special way together with our children. After our son passed on 23rd June 2015 I could not understand ways of God anymore! How could he choose to shame us so much?

Psalms 44: 17 – all this happened to us, though we had not forgotten you or been false to your covenant.

We are one family that believes in God so much that we believe in sacrifices to God, church and also people. Even before our sons departure we were people who really desired to live according to Gods law and to always keep his covenant.  But all this happened to us, though we had not forgotten the Lord or been false to his covenant.

Psalms 44: 18 - our hearts had not turned back; our feet had not strayed from your path.

In the community I live I have seen people do worse things than I ever did or imagined of doing; not that I am holy; I have my own iniquities.  This is why I chose to have the thirty day challenge with Jesus so that He would answer many questions that I had in my mind. Why He did this to us while we had not turned our backs from Him; our feet had not strayed from His path?

Psalms 44: 19 –but you crushed us and made us a haunt for jackals and covered us over with deep darkness

When one is left by their loved ones especially if it is a child who leaves a parent the whole world is crushed for them.  Just like us everything was practically covered with deep darkness.  Nothing seemed to be right anymore. 

Psalms 44: 20 – If we had forgotten the name of our God or spread out our hands to a foreign God,

Though God “left us” when we least expected we have vowed never to forget His name or to worship other Gods.  In African setup people believe in many versions of stories when one is faced with death.  Many people have suggested to us on what we are supposed to do a time like this.  But we vowed never to worship any other God because we believed it’s only God who gives life and is the only one who can take it away despite the age or the means that one leaves.

Psalms 44: 21 – Would not God have discovered it since he knows the secrets of the heart?

I believe strongly God is all powerful and knows when one’s life should come to an end and has power to stop even an accident from happening.

Despite the departure of our son we have so much trust in our God.  All we ask of him is;

Psalms 23 – Awake, o Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever.

Psalms 24 - why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression?

Psalms 25 – we are brought down to the dust our bodies cling to the ground.

Psalms 26 – rise up and help us; redeem us because of your unfailing love

 Comforting thought for the week

Always thank God for the better days that you have ever seen and also thank God for the worse days that you are in for your healing may come through tears; or may be your thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you are near your miracle; or may be your trials in this life are your mercies in disguise!